These last weeks , like many of us during this Pandemic and Covid19 crisis, I've found myself getting wound up by stuff and in an attempt to heal myself , I thought I'd share some tips with you.
It takes two people to have an argument and blood pressure rises, heart rate increases and our previous good friends Reason and Understanding decide to leave us for a bit.
I therefore offer you some tips:
1. If one person is arguing and the other is not, that's basically shouting at yourself, unless you really like shouting at other people, in that case maybe review your life. Iy love the phrase ' see it as a judo match instead of a boxing match ' . By using the persons words and maintaining a calm exterior, you stay calm, rational and you know that you are in control of what you can control and not what the other person is saying.
2. Ask yourself 'I wonder why the other person's actions are allowing me to become angry?', despite what other think or say or do, you ARE in control of your emotions and actions, plus it gives you time to think and is a mental 'count to ten', moment.
3. Avoid asking Why? ,To others - It's accusatory and rarely gets the correct answer, so use How What Where When Who instead and it gets a more open answer and dialogue. If you have to use 'why' prefix it with ' Can you help me to understand why ?' or ' I am wondering why you would think/say/do what ?'
4. Listen and repeat back - It shows you're listening and in cases of incredible statements, can show people how silly some are. ' So as I am hearing this ' or ' it sounds to me that'. Remember, its what YOU hear, see or believe and not the other person, as they may have a different meaning to what you are thinking.
5. Avoid Generalising. - always? never? every time? Question it and see what people actually mean, remembering to maintain a relaxed tone and being non judgemental as possible. Remember this is a judo match of rolling with the other person not punching back.
6. Everyone has their own model of the world, despite what you think see hear or feel and you don't have to agree with it. If you please respect it , you may learn something and they may respect and listen back.
7. I know you believe have a great point or witty comment to make . If however , you wait for the other person to finish first , then what they say will be relevant and important to them and may surprise you.
8. Practice listening and more than words, the pitch and tone and cadence ( this is the 'sing song' or up and down nature of the sound of our voices ) and notice what words they use a lot and use them back, when replying.
9. Slowly breathing in during the other person talking, makes it impossible for you to talk, gives you valuable seconds to think and get more oxygen to the brain. Go on and try it for size next time you are listening to someone
10. Let the air out of the bag - As many of us simply need to vent or spout or shout, so let them do so until they run out of breath or energy or words and remember to thank them for doing so as it ; a. Will let them know you were listening and b. May pleasantly surprise them as they may have been expecting a solution or smart reply.
Yes, it is difficult. Yes it takes practice. Yes some people are more challenging or closed minded than others.
Remember life gives you 2 options.
You can choose to react or not ,to what happens outside of your thinking.
I trust this helps you and wish you all a more tranquil Tuesday you good people