The Liberation of Letting Go: Control What You Can and Find Freedom in the Rest
- Simon Robson
- Sep 8
- 4 min read
We are a generation obsessed with control.
We have apps to control our heating from another country, calendars that dictate our minutes, and life plans mapped out with five-year precision.
We strive to control our careers, our relationships, our finances, and even our emotions.
But what if the greatest step towards a better life, a life lived your way, isn’t about gaining more control, but about gracefully accepting how little of it you truly have?
This isn’t a message of defeat; it’s a message of liberation.
At ReFresh Coaching, our philosophy of ‘your life, your work, your way’ is rooted in focusing your precious energy where it has the most impact.
The simple, profound truth is that most of your energy is wasted fighting battles you were never equipped to win.
The Illusion of Total Control
Picture this: You’re a junior account manager who has spent weeks perfecting a presentation. You know the material inside and out. You’ve rehearsed your speech. On the day, you walk in, ready to shine.
But your boss is in a foul mood because of a personal issue, the client’s flight was delayed making them irritable, and the projector in the meeting room is malfunctioning.
Your perfect presentation lands with a thud. You leave feeling like a failure.
Now, let’s flip the script. Imagine you’re the CEO of that company. You have immense power. You’ve just launched a product that you and your team have poured millions of pounds and two years of work into. The day it launches, a competitor unexpectedly releases a superior product, or a global event shifts the market’s focus entirely. Your launch flops. You feel powerless.
Whether you’re earning minimum wage or a seven-figure salary, much of your life is dictated by external factors.
You cannot control the traffic, the weather, the economy, a global pandemic, or how other people feel, think, and react.
The barista at your local coffee shop cannot control the rude customer who is having a bad day. The parent cannot control their toddler’s sudden tantrum in the middle of the supermarket.
Trying to manage these things is like trying to hold back the ocean with a bucket. It’s exhausting, demoralising, and ultimately, futile.
The Circle of Power: Your True Domain
So, what’s the alternative?
It’s to draw a circle. Inside that circle, place everything you have 100% control over.
Outside the circle, place everything else. You will be shocked at how small your circle is and how refreshing that realisation can be.
What’s inside your circle?
Your actions.
Your responses and reactions.
Your words.
The effort you put in.
How you treat others.
The boundaries you set.
That’s pretty much it.
Let’s revisit our scenarios. The junior account manager couldn’t control their boss’s mood or the faulty projector. But they could control their response. They could have taken a deep breath, acknowledged the technical issues with humour, and delivered their pitch with calm professionalism, focusing on connecting with the people in the room rather than on a flawless delivery. Their success is then redefined not by the outcome, but by their own conduct.
The CEO couldn’t control the competitor’s actions or the global markets. But they could control how they led their team through the setback. Did they panic and blame, or did they rally their people, analyse the situation, and strategise the next move? They could control the narrative of resilience and adaptation.
Living Your Life, Your Way: A Practical Guide
Adopting this mindset is a practice, not a destination. Here’s how you can start living it, your way:
Identify the Uncontrollable: When you feel stressed, anxious, or angry, pause and ask: “What part of this situation is truly outside of my control?” Acknowledge it. Say it out loud: “I cannot control the fact that my train is cancelled.” This act of naming it separates you from the emotional whirlwind.
Pivot to Your Circle: Immediately follow up with the question: “What, in this moment, is within my control?” For the cancelled train: “I can control my breathing to stay calm. I can control whether I complain or look for an alternative route. I can control using this unexpected time to listen to a podcast or call a friend.”
Redefine Your Wins: Stop measuring your success by outcomes you don’t control. A ‘win’ isn’t getting the promotion; it’s giving a brilliant interview you can be proud of. A ‘win’ isn’t your child stop crying instantly; it’s you remaining a calm and loving presence in their storm. This shift puts your self-worth back in your own hands.
This isn’t about apathy. It’s not about giving up. It’s about strategic surrender. It’s about conserving your energy for the things that matter—your own actions and choices. When you stop fighting the entire world, you unleash an incredible amount of power to shape your own corner of it.
And that is the very essence of living your life, and your work, your way.
It is the most refreshing and empowering feeling in the world.
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