Are You Speaking Their Language? A Guide to Deeper Connection
- Simon Robson
- Oct 7
- 4 min read
How to speak in different communication dialects for better connection.
We often think of language as national or regional—English, French, Spanish.
But within our shared language, we all have our own distinct dialects, our preferred ways of processing and describing the world.
A failure to recognise these personal dialects is at the heart of so many misunderstandings, in our work, our homes, and our personal lives.
You might present a perfect, logical argument to a colleague, only to be met with a blank stare. You might pour your heart out to a partner, only for them to miss the emotional point entirely. The problem may not be what you're saying, but how you're saying it.
At Refresh Coaching, our ‘your life, your work, your way’ philosophy extends to your communication. To truly connect and be understood, you need to learn to listen for, and speak in, the language of the person you're talking to. Broadly, people tend to favour one of three primary modes of expression: Auditory (hearing), Visual (seeing), or Kinaesthetic (feeling/thinking).
Identifying the Dialects
Listen carefully to the words people use, especially their metaphors and descriptions. They are giving you a user’s manual for their brain.
The Auditory Person (Hearing): These individuals process the world through sound. They often speak rhythmically and are sensitive to tone of voice.
They say things like: "That sounds like a good idea." "I hear what you're saying." "That rings a bell." "Let's talk this through." "Everything just clicked."
Think: Musicians, podcasters, counsellors, call centre staff.
The Visual Person (Seeing): They think in pictures. They need to see things to understand them and often use visual aids and gestures.
They say things like: "I see your point." "That looks good to me." "Let's get a fresh perspective on this." "Can you show me?" "The future appears bright."
Think: Photographers, designers, architects, artists.
The Kinaesthetic Person (Feeling/Thinking): These people process through feelings, emotions, and internal logic. They need to 'get a feel' for something or 'grasp' a concept.
They say things like: "I feel that's the right decision." "I need to get a handle on this." "This idea doesn't sit right with me." "I have a gut feeling." "Let's walk through the process."
Think: Philosophers, engineers (who need to 'feel' the logic), athletes, hands-on tradespeople.
Putting It Into Practice: Mirroring for Connection
Once you identify someone's preferred dialect, the key is to gently mirror it back to them.
This isn't about mimicry; it's about translating your message into a language they can easily understand. This builds rapport subconsciously and makes them feel deeply heard.
Scenario 1: The Project Pitch at Work
You are presenting a new strategy to three senior managers.
Manager A (Visual) asks, "Show me what the end result will look like."
Manager B (Auditory) asks, "Can you tell me how this sounds to our key stakeholders?"
Manager C (Kinaesthetic) asks, "What's your gut feeling on our capacity to handle this?"
A one-size-fits-all answer will only fully connect with one of them. A masterful communicator tailors their response:
To Manager A: "That’s a great question. Picture this: a streamlined dashboard where we can see all our key metrics in one place. I've got a mock-up we can look at."
To Manager B: "We've had initial conversations, and what we're hearing is a lot of excitement. The consistent message is that this will resonate strongly with their needs."
To Manager C: "I feel confident we can grasp this. My foundational belief is that while it will be a stretch, the team is solid and we can get a handle on the new workflow."
You’ve delivered the same core information three times, but in three different languages. Each manager now feels that you are truly on their wavelength.
Scenario 2: A Disagreement with a Partner
You and your partner are planning a holiday. You are visual, and they are kinaesthetic.
You (Visual): "But just look at the photos of this place! Can't you see how amazing it will be?"
Your Partner (Kinaesthetic): "I don't know, I just don't have a good feeling about it. I can't seem to get comfortable with the idea."
You are both talking past each other. The more pictures you show, the less they 'feel' it. To bridge the gap, you need to switch languages.
You (Switching to Kinaesthetic): "Okay, I hear you. Help me understand what feels off about it. What would we need to build into the trip for you to feel more relaxed and able to connect with the experience?"
Suddenly, you’re not in an argument about pictures anymore. You’re having a constructive conversation about feelings and security, which was the real issue all along.
Living your life, your way, means communicating in a way that is authentic to you, but also effective. By becoming a linguistic detective, you can build deeper rapport, persuade more effectively, and resolve conflict more quickly. You stop broadcasting on one channel and start tuning in to the frequency of others.
Pay attention to the language people use. It’s the simplest, most powerful communication hack there is.
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